Robbing the Cheapside Coach

For the BENEFIT of SEVERAL VIEWERS
MR. CURTIS & MR. ELTON'S
Much admir'd Comedy
B L A C K A D D E R
T h e T H I R D
OR
AMY and AMIABILITY

SALLY CHEAPSIDE: Honestly Papa. Ever since Mother died you've tried to stop me growing up. I'm not a little girl, I'm a grown woman. In fact I might as well tell you now Papa: I'm pregnant, and I'm an opium fiend, and I'm in love with a poet called Shelley who's a famous whoopsy, and Mother didn't die, I killed her!

DUKE OF CHEAPSIDE: Oh. (cheerily) Well, never mind.

EDMUND: Stand and deliver! (the coach starts to pull up)

DUKE OF CHEAPSIDE: Oh no! Oh no no no no no, disaster! It's the Shadow. We're doomed, doomed!

EDMUND: (draws up outside the window) Ah, good evening Duke, and the lovely Miss Cheapside. Your cash bags please. (the Duke hands him a bag of money) There we are.

DUKE OF CHEAPSIDE: You'll never get away with this, you scoundrel, you'll be caught and damn well hung!

SALLY CHEAPSIDE: I think he looks pretty well-

EDMUND: Madam, please, no jests about me looking pretty well hung already, we have no time.

SALLY CHEAPSIDE: Pity.

EDMUND: Now sir, turn out your pockets.

DUKE OF CHEAPSIDE: Never sir. A man's pockets are his own private kingdom. I'll protect them with my life!

EDMUND: Oh I see, you've got something embarrassing in there have you? Perhaps a particularly repulsive handkerchief, hmm? One of those fellows who has a big blow and then doesn't change it for a week? Let's have a look shall we? (takes the handkerchief and pulls out a jewel) Aha!

SALLY CHEAPSIDE: Highwayman, I also have a jewel. I fear however that I have placed it here, beneath my petticoats, for protection.

EDMUND: Well in that case madam, I think I'll leave it. I'm not sure I fancy the idea of a jewel that's been in someone's pants. A single kiss of those soft lips is all I require.

DUKE OF CHEAPSIDE: Never sir! A man's soft lips are his own private kingdom. I shall defend them with my life.

EDMUND: I'm not talking to you, Grandad.

SALLY CHEAPSIDE: (kisses him long and hard) Oh, I'm overcome. Take me with you to live the life of the wild rogue, cuddling under haystacks and making love in the branches of tall trees!

EDMUND: Madam, sadly I must decline. I fear my horse would collapse with you on top of him as well as me!